


Not Broken, Just Bent

by htibberon



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Concerned Harry, Hurt Louis, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-01-02 02:36:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/htibberon/pseuds/htibberon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I put Just Give Me a Reason on repeat, and this is what happened…</p><p>Or, Louis is feeling depressed and cannot see how much his Harry loves him</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Empty Sheets

Rolling over in bed and cool air breezed over exposed flesh, Louis’s eyes cracked open to confirm that he was alone in bed. He let his arm fall across the wrinkled sheets that used to contain his love and wondered where he could have gone. Louis glanced to the side table; Harry’s mobile was no longer there so he did not just get up to use the bathroom. Louis closed his eyes and tried to focus his hearing. He heard only his own heart pounding in his ears; this waking up alone was taking a toll on him. 

Rolling out of bed, Louis stretched to hear the crack of his bones. The lack of painful tingles in his arm reminded him how Harry hadn’t fallen asleep in his arms, for the fifth night in a row. He tried to search through his mind for the millionth time to figure out what he’d done wrong. No particular thing stood out.

The hotel carpet was soft beneath his bare feet and hid the sound of movement as Louis snuck through the suite in search of Harry. He half expected to find his boy curled up in the tub, texting or playing with his phone to some degree, but the porcelain was as empty as their bed. 

Out in the hallway, the early morning had caused a silence. Down in the lobby, there was not even a single fangirl waiting and for once it just seemed chilling to Louis. The entire situation was giving him a horrible feeling in his gut.

He found Harry in the gym, running on the treadmill. Harry had his back to the clear door, so he did not get to see the relief that rushed over Louis’s face. He’d had no reason to assume that Harry was in any sort of danger, but every time he was out of arms reach Louis felt a little panicked. He watched Harry for a few moments, trying to calm himself down and scowled himself for getting worked up over nothing.

Louis tiptoed back up to their hotel room and sat on the bed. He thought about sleeping, but knew that it was just wishful thinking at this point. Realistically, there was no chance of finding enough peace to sleep once more. He laid back and thought for a good long time before getting up to shower. He spent extra time that morning on his appearance, wanting to look as good as possible for his boyfriend. 

\--

The show went amazing, and everyone’s smiles looked like they’d been painted on their faces. They had the next day off, and that put everybody’s mood to an even better place. It was nights like these that gave Louis a weird surreal feeling; it was still hard to grasp the concept that this was their lives sometimes. He snacked on a cheese cracker, trying to make the light headedness to go away.

“Gonna come out for a pint with me and Mikey tonight, mate?” Niall asked as they leaned side-by-side against the wall beside the food table. “’t’s gonna be fun.”

Louis shook his head, but smiled at the offer. “No thanks, I think I’ll see what Harry wants to do tonight.”

Niall gave him a knowing smile, “Don’t have too much fun.” Louis nodded as Liam walked past them in the cramped backstage area. Niall took the opportunity to launch himself at Liam and snaked his arms around the slightly older boy’s waist.

Liam laughed and playfully pushed Niall off, sending him crashing onto the couch, beside Harry. Niall barely had a moment to catch his breath before Liam was on top of him seeking his revenge. Liam and Niall’s roughhousing became more intense and Louis had to pull Harry away to keep him safe from a misplaced fist or foot. 

Resting his head against Harry’s shoulder as they find a place against the wall with a bit more distance from their friends, Louis leaned towards Harry’s ear. “What are you in the mood to do tonight, love? I’m up for anything your heart desires.” He put his arm around Harry and closed his eyes, breathing in his scent and feeling the most relaxed he has all week.

“I’m meeting up with Zooey tonight, Lou,” Harry replied, hugging his arms around the smaller boy. “We are going to polish up what we have and record in the afternoon tomorrow, remember?” He nosed into Louis’s hair and gave him a gentle kiss but it goes unnoticed by his boyfriend who was still feeling the sting of rejection.

“And I can’t come, right Haz?” Louis asked, even though he didn’t really need to. It wasn’t Harry’s fault that he wasn’t able to come along when Harry went out, and he knew it wasn’t fair to try and get Harry to stay in, but sometimes it was just a little hard to think fairly.

Harry looked down at Louis, sighing at the conversation they had far too often. “No, you can’t come with me. But, we can text the whole time. I’ll have it on hand all night, just for you.”

Louis shook his head. “That wouldn’t be polite.” His fingers ghosted down Harry’s spine and he braved a smile. “Have fun tonight, yeah?” He kissed Harry’s cheek and stood up straight. 

“You too,” Harry reached for Louis’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Zooey’s pretty excited about that song I wrote about you. You know, the one I showed you last month? Said she has a friend that’ll do some percussion for it. I think it’ll give it a much better sound, it was too soft before. Didn’t fit you proper.” Harry smiled, but Louis had stopped paying much attention to the words and just reciprocated the smile.

Harry’s phone buzzed and Louis used the opportunity to slip away. He didn’t want to be alone tonight, but taking Niall up on his offer now would be a hit to his pride. He glanced over to Liam but saw him and Niall smiling, naturally assuming that Liam would go along with Niall tonight. Zayn was texting, so Louis assumed that he’d be busy tonight as well. Louis considered seeing if any of the 5SOS boys wanted to go out, but then decided against the idea.

Louis flitted past the crew and found his way to the cars. He knew he was supposed to share and that everyone else would not be ready for a bit, but he needed the breather. The driver seemed to understand this, and wordlessly opened the sunroof and slowly drove off.

“Anywhere in particular that you would like to go to, Mr. Tomlinson?” the driver asked, turning down his music.

“No,” Louis slumped against the car door. “Just turn the music back up please?”

Louis blocked out all thoughts as he watched buildings blur by, not realizing when he fell asleep.


	2. You've Been Talking in Your Sleep

When Louis woke up, only barely remembering how he got carried to bed the previous night by one of their bodyguards, he found Harry asleep beside him in bed. He tenderly stroked his younger boyfriend’s cheek with his knuckle before reaching for his phone on the side table. He began to check over his texts from the night, answering the occasional one, when Harry began stirring in his sleep.

Louis read over Harry’s worried texts from the night before. They started out as Harry asking Louis what he was up to, and then Harry had been worried that Louis was angry at him, he’d tried calling a few times. A couple made Harry seem afraid that something had happened to Louis. The last message was from a couple hours before Louis woke up. ‘Just found you in bed, way to scare me. Hope everything is okay <3 Talk to you in the morning’.

Louis warmed at the texts. He hadn’t meant to scare Harry, but it was nice to know that Harry still cared if Louis disappeared.

Harry’s noises turned to whines and Louis watched him. It was troubling to watch as Harry did not have nightmares often, and even when he did Louis only learnt about them when Harry woke him up in need of a cuddle.

“Lou,” Harry whined and it took all of Louis’s willpower not to comfort the boy. He tossed and turned for a bit more, stopping to cry out Louis’s name again. Harry’s brows scrunched together and Louis bit his lip in pity. “Enough!” Harry screamed the word clear and angrily. Louis froze. “Louis!” Harry shouted, “Fuck off!”

Louis gasped and jumped off the bed. Harry began to regain consciousness; the sudden weight change off the mattress must have jolted him from his dream. Louis ran to the bathroom, shutting the door and collapsing with his back against it. He shook in his attempt to keep quiet, his mind racing. He heard Harry sit up in bed and had to bite the side of his hand to keep calm.

“Louis?” Harry called out. Louis took a deep breath.

“Just in the bathroom,” Louis called back, trying to keep his voice level. Clearly he failed, by the sound of the bed springs recoiling as Harry got out of bed.

The sound of footsteps nearly caused a sob to escape Louis’s throat. “Louis,” Harry’s voice was filled with confusion. “Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah!” Louis dug his short fingernails into his knee. “Be out in a second, love.”

He knew that Harry didn’t believe him, he could tell from the hesitation in his steps. Louis waited until he heard Harry sit back down on the bed before he got up, he took a few deep breaths before flushing the toilet and turning the sink on hot. He splashed the water on his face before it changed temperature and then washed his hands thoroughly. Louis took the time to gather himself.

When he braved it out into the bedroom, Harry was sitting with his back against the headboard, waiting for Louis to join him. His face gave away nothing. Louis smiled, “Sorry to wake you, pumpkin.”

“It’s alright,” Harry mumbled as Louis crawled back in bed. “Is everything alright?”

“It’s all alright,” Louis smirked and made a show of getting snuggled up in the covers. Harry didn’t buy it. “How was your writing session with Zooey?”

“Fine,” Harry answered lying down close to Louis and propping himself up on his elbow. “I left early though, so we have to finish up before recording.”

“Okay, love,” Louis mumbled in pretend sleepiness. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“It’s alright, precious, as long as you’re safe.” Harry pulled Louis to his chest and kissed the top of his head. Louis relaxed in Harry’s arms against his will. Even though he was hurt, he still loved being in Harry’s arms. “What happened?”

Louis nuzzled against Harry’s chest, telling himself that he was just trying to get comfortable not being loving towards Harry. “I fell asleep in the car,” Louis bit back any nicknames because he was still upset deep down.

“Are you sure you are feeling alright?” Harry asked, rubbing Louis’s back. “I could stay home tomorrow if you aren’t feeling well, nurse you back to health. I’m sure Zooey would understand.”

Louis didn’t answer right away. On one hand, he wasn’t sick and Harry was yelling how he’d had enough of him in his sleep. On the other hand, he’d have a whole day with Harry doing anything he wanted and Harry seemed to care for him while they were awake. “I… I’m not sick, Haz.” Harry put his hand on Louis’s forehead anyways to be sure. The way he had Louis’s head tilted, Louis had nowhere to look but the caring expression on Harry’s face. He melted a bit inside and couldn’t stop from whispering, “Could you stay with me anyways?”

Harry’s already delicate expression of concerned softened further to one that could only be described as fond and he kissed his boyfriend. “Oh of course, Lou, of course.” He held his smaller boyfriend tightly in his arm. “We’ll spend all day together, starting with a beautiful breakfast, yeah?”

Louis nodded and exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Sounds perfect.”

—

The second time Louis woke up, Harry was gone again. “Where’s my lovely breakfast?” Louis asked aloud to the empty room. Louis rolled his joints for the wonderful little popping noises and checked his phone. He sent Harry a quick ‘Good Morning’ text before hopping into the shower.

When he came back out of the shower, he found his room empty once again. He got dressed and waited for Harry to get back. As the minutes ticked passed, Louis grew antsy. He played on his phone for a bit, but that couldn’t hold his interest for very long. With the silence, his mind started to wander again.

By the time Harry came back into the room, Louis was curled up on the floor at the foot of the bed, the duvet from the bed wrapped around his body. Harry just chuckled and came and sat beside him. “Good morning, Lou, I just need a quick shower and then we can go for our great breakfast. Sound good?”

“Sounds fine,” Louis replied and kicked out at Harry to get him moving. His plan backfired when Harry managed to catch him by the ankle and tickle his arch. This caused Louis to shriek at the unexpected itch and squirmed to break free. “Hey, stop it, stinky!” He kicked with his other foot.

“I’ll be back out in a couple minutes, you choose the place,” Harry caught Louis’s jaw and gave him a chaste kiss before jumping up and heading to the bathroom. “You look striking today, just so you know,” Harry called from the bathroom door.

Louis buried his face into the duvet and waited for the sound of the shower. Standing wasn’t very easy, his muscles burning in pain from their lengthy discomfort. Louis looked into the mirror and winced at his wrinkled clothing, his disorderly hair and the red line across his face from the seam of the duvet. “This is why he’s grown bored of you,” he said to the reflection, “You aren’t striking at all”.

Harry was finished up before Louis, who had returned to fixing his hair. Long, strong arms wrapped around Louis’s small waist and he inhaled harshly at the surprise, holding in the controlled breath. Distracting himself by burying his face into his boyfriend’s neck, the action goes unnoticed by Harry. “I was thinking McDonald’s for breakfast? ‘M really craving a bacon, egg and cheese bagel.” Louis’s stomach churned at the thought.

“Haz, I feel bad for getting you to cancel on Zooey,” Louis began, “Think we could bring her some McDonald’s in the studio and you two could work?” He turned in Harry’s arms and kissed the side of his boy’s head.

Harry’s dimples deepened as he replied, “I’m sure she’d like that. I think you two will get along great. She’s a spitfire just like you. I best get a coffee when we get breakfast if I have any hope of keeping up with the two of you.”

“I’ll be quiet, I promise.” Louis pulled away and slipped his wallet and phone into pants pockets. “Won’t notice me at all,” he added a little quieter. He fiddled with his shirt, the bottom not falling down as far as he recalled it fitting before.

“That would scare the shit out of me,” Harry laughed, putting a hand on Louis’s side and leading him out of the bedroom. “I’d think you were plotting something. I don’t think Niall could handle another snake in his shower.”


	3. I Don't Understand

Quiet was something that Louis could do quite well, though he tried not to be with acquaintances. When you smile a lot and are energetic, people feed off of that and become more fun to be with as well. Time goes faster when you act cheerful; sometimes you can trick yourself into believing you really are happy.

Absentmindedly picking at his jeans, Louis could hear Zooey and Harry discuss the wording of a line in a song but did not really listen to the specifics. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in Harry’s music; he loved his boyfriend’s music and loved his enthusiasm, but it could get a bit too much some times. Too much of even a good thing is too much.

“Yeah, if it goes in that order it gives it more depth. Don’t you think so Lou?” At the mention of his name, Louis looked up and saw Harry looking at him expectantly.

“Uh, yeah.” Louis smiled and picked at his thumbnail.

Harry scrunched his eyebrows together, but nodded and returned his attention to Zooey.

\- -

When Louis went to the bathroom he did not expect to run into Harry waiting directly outside the door. “Babe, if you wanted my attention today, we could have stayed at home.”

Louis shook his head. “No, you guys are getting stuff done, and it’s nice to see you at work. I’m just tired is all.”

“I thought you said you weren’t ill,” Harry pouted and put his wrist against Louis’s forehead again.

Louis grabbed his boyfriend’s wrist and pulled it down to kiss his palm. “I’m not sick, love, just tired. Is it okay if I nap? Your voice is very soothing.” His smile was gentle and his eyes are droopy, if Harry wasn’t so worried about him he’d admit how completely adorable Louis looked at that moment.

“Of course you can. Want to use my jumper as a blanket?” Harry led Louis back into the studio.

Louis nodded and pushed his chair up against the wall.

Harry smiled at Zooey and pulled off his jumper, then took notice of Louis’s actions. “Lou, why don’t you come sit next to me? I can play with your hair, yeah?”

Louis stiffened and looked over to Zooey, who was scribbling something down into her book.

“It’s fine, babe,” Harry patted the arm of his chair, “Come lay on me, it’ll be more comfortable than the wall.”

Louis hesitated but then bought his chair over beside Harry, wrapped himself in Harry’s jumper and got comfortable. With Harry’s hand carding through his hair, and the gentle lull of Harry and Zooey’s discussions, it didn’t take much time at all for Louis to drift off.

Harry continued gently massaging the older boy’s head long after his breathing evened out, only stopping when he took the book from Zooey to read over a section.

“You two are really cute together,” Zooey commented with a knowing smile.

Harry beamed. “Thanks.” He watched Louis for a moment, glad to see that he was more relaxed than he’s looked in a while. “I think you two will get along smashingly. He’s normally a lot livelier.”

“He seems a little down, did something happen?”

Harry shook his head. “He’s been like this for a few weeks now, and I just can’t get anything out of him.”

“Just give him time,” Zooey puts a hand on his knee comfortingly. “He’ll let you know.”

“Thanks,” Harry places his hand over hers and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Oh, and please don’t tell anyone about us.”

“Of course.” Zooey sits back up and points to a verse. “This part doesn’t fit with the changes to the bridge now.”

\- -

The flight home seemed longer than any that Harry had taken before. Louis was in his little plane seat watching a movie, not making one sound. He was awake, this was something that Harry could always just tell, but he made no attempt to talk to any of the other boys. Harry got like that from time to time, but normally when Louis was feeling down he’d snuggle one of the other boys.

Perhaps it was the movie; Harry tried to reason with his anxieties. But from peeking over Harry could see that it was a movie that would never hold his attention.

Harry crawled over to Liam and was greeted with open arms. A bit of a scalp massage as Liam goes through a lengthily email document that he’d been procrastinating from had Harry feeling a tad more relaxed. It wasn’t until Harry could hear the deep breaths that signaled Louis’s sleep that Liam said a word.

“What did you do to him?”

Harry kept his eyes closed and furrowed his eyebrows, speaking only when he knew that he could keep his tone level as not to awaken Louis. “What do you mean what did I do? Who said that I did anything?”

“The look that he shot when he realized that you had come over here said that you did something.”

That had Harry opening his eyes. He knew that Liam wouldn’t lie to him, but a part of him wished that it was just a lie. “What did I do?” he whimpered. He bit of irritation that had been on Liam’s features softened to that of pity as he realized that his band mate was just as lost as the rest of them.


	4. Used to Lie So Close To Me

The flight home seemed longer than any that Harry had taken before. Louis was in his little plane seat watching a movie, not making one sound. He was awake, this was something that Harry could always just tell, but he made no attempt to talk to any of the other boys. Harry got like that from time to time, but normally when Louis was feeling down he’d snuggle one of the other boys.

Perhaps it was the movie; Harry tried to reason with his anxieties. But from peeking over Harry could see that it was a movie that would never hold his attention.

Harry crawled over to Liam and was greeted with open arms. A bit of a scalp massage as Liam goes through a lengthily email document that he’d been procrastinating from had Harry feeling a tad more relaxed. It wasn’t until Harry could hear the deep breaths that signalled Louis’s sleep that Liam said a word.

“What did you do to him?”

Harry kept his eyes closed and furrowed his eyebrows, speaking only when he knew that he could keep his tone level as not to awaken Louis. “What do you mean what did I do? Who said that I did anything?”

“The look that he shot when he realized that you had come over here said that you did something.” That had Harry opening his eyes. He knew that Liam wouldn’t lie to him, but a part of him wished that it was just a lie. “What did I do?” he whimpered. He bit of irritation that had been on Liam’s features softened to that of pity as he realized that his band mate was just as lost as the rest of them.

“You really don’t know what you did to tick him off?” Liam sweeps his younger band mate’s hair off his face. “Oh, Harry. It had to be something. He’s been so off, and he hasn’t told me anything. He hasn’t even come for a cuddle.”

Harry buried his face against his friend’s shoulder. “I miss him so much. He’s right here and I miss him, and I don’t know how to make it better. ” Harry whimpered and Liam rubbed his back. “We have to take our break now, and I got to go to parties and he’s going to hate me. He wants to be with me all the time, but when we are together he acts so far away.”

Liam held Harry for several minutes as he let out the tears he’d been holding in lately. When he’d calmed down Liam whispered, “Have you tried talking to his mom?”

“I think I might need to,” Harry snuggled himself under Liam’s arm and tried to get some sleep.

\- -

“Louis, don’t get like that!” Harry pleaded as he pulled his trench coat on. “It’s just a few hours, I’ll be home tonight and I won’t even be drinking.”

Louis shrugs and walks down the hall towards the kitchen. “Have fun,” the pause between each word makes it pretty clear that he did not mean them in any way.

“Please!” Harry cries out and stalks down the corridor. “Why do you have to do this? I’m literally fucking begging you to just play a bit of video games or watch a couple movies without me and I’ll be back before you even know it. I’ll even call Zayn and see if he’ll come over if you need.”

“I can be alone Harry,” Louis grabs the kettle and starts to fill it under the tap. “I’m an adult, you know.”

Harry sighed and sat at their kitchen island, picking up an apple to fiddle with. “Louis…” Harry whined.

“Harry, just go!” Louis yelled as he sat the kettle back down and turns it back on. “You need to go party with your friends; I have to go see Eleanor tomorrow. Maybe we’ll get to see each other for like ten minutes in between. So get going!”

Harry digs his nails into the skin of the apple. “Is it time together you want? That’s funny because when you’re with me you won’t even talk to me.”

“I don’t talk to you?” Louis barks out a bitter laugh. “I tell you every stupid thing that passes through my head. I got nothing more to fucking give you. So go out and be with people who entertain you so much more than me.”

“Fuck!” Harry yells. Louis flinches back from him, but Harry is looking down at the apple that he’s squishing in his hand so he does not see. When he looks up, Louis has squared his jaw defensively. “You keep acting so clingy, but when I try to get close to you you get all distant. I can’t keep doing this Louis. Tell me what I did, or just fuck off!”

The last two words ran in Louis’s ears and his heart sank. Nothing else that Harry had said stuck in his mind just the harsh words fuck off. “Get out.” Louis said quietly, turning his back to Harry to make himself a cup of tea. “And don’t call Zayn, I want to alone tonight.” He goes over to the fridge to get out the milk, turning to Harry only for a moment, “The morning too.”

Harry huffed and threw the apple back onto the counter, “Fine.”

Louis flinched once more at the sound of the door slamming shut.

\- -

The music in the bathroom was still pretty loud, but it was the quietest place that Harry could find where he wouldn’t be papped. He tried to block out the noises around him and focus solely on the sound of his phone ringing.

“Hello?” Harry sighed in relief at the gentle tone of Jay’s voice. Louis clearly hadn’t told him what a horrible person he was yet. “Are you alright, dear?”

“I don’t know yet,” Harry replied. “I need some help.”

“What’s wrong? Where’s Louis?”

“He’s at home,” Harry waved politely to a man who gave him a funny look upon entering the bathroom. “I’m really sorry if I’m calling at an inconvenient time.”

Jay laughed in that short breathy laugh that Louis got sometimes and Harry had to bite his lip to keep himself from breaking down. “It’s really not a bother in the least. What can I do for you, sweet?”

“I don’t mean to overstep, because he’s your son and I don’t want you to think that I’m going behind his back or anything. I just really don’t know what else to do anymore.” Harry doesn’t even realize he is stalling; he just has the tendency to say everything in the longest possible way when he is nervous. “Do you know what is bothering Louis?”

“I haven’t spoken to him to him today, sorry.”

Harry rubs the heel of his palm roughly against his forehead. “No, I mean, something’s been off for weeks now. I just want to make it better.”

Jay’s inhale scared Harry slightly. Louis’s relationship with his mother has always been really close, for her to not even realize there was something going on meant that Louis was putting a serious effort to hide the problem. “I’ll give him a call straight away.”

“Just give him awhile to cool down. We kind of just had a big fight.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll manage.”


	5. Your Willing Victim

It was well passed dinner time and Harry still wasn’t home. Louis had gotten back from his date with Eleanor a couple hours ago and was not handling it well. The night had been long and cold without Harry and he couldn’t get any proper sleep. He was grumpy all day, and no matter what Eleanor tried to do it just pissed him off more because she wasn’t Harry. It wasn’t her fault, Louis told himself repeatedly, but he was in a foul mood and every little thing was just making it worse.

The previous night, Louis had received a call from his mother. His mum had never quite mastered the art of subtlety, so it was pretty clear that she had spoken to Harry. Being the wreck he was Louis ended up sobbing and talking to her for at least two hours.

By the time Harry called to see if he could come home, Louis was physically and emotionally exhausted and just did not think he could take another fight that night so he told Harry to stay away for the night. He had never meant it to be a permanent thing. With each minute that ticked away, Louis knew that it was the end.

Caving, he called up Harry’s mobile.

“Louis, how are you feeling?” Harry’s cheery voice came through the speaker, a lot of chatter in the background. The taste in Louis’s mouth turned bitter.

“Fine,” Louis snapped. “Where are you?”

“Just out with Liam,” there was a rustling sound and the noise in the back became quieter. “I’m just at Sainsbury, is there anything we need at home?”

“Uh, I’ll check,” Louis relaxed, having assumed that his band mates had been at a club or something. He went to the kitchen and took a quick inventory. “We’re out of ice cream and bananas, and getting low on tea.”

“Any particular flavour that you’d like, love?” Harry asked and Louis could hear him walking again.

Louis chewed his bottom lip, “Chocolate, please. Just plain.”

“Got it. I’ll be home in half hour, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Louis turned the kettle on before heading back into the living room. “Should I have a tea ready?”

“Sounds lovely, dear. See you then.” Harry hung up.

Louis grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and curled up in it, waiting for his boyfriend to come home. He didn’t even notice how it took only a few moments for him to fall asleep.

—

“Should I get him flowers?” Harry asked Liam as they studied their produce to choose out some to refill everything Harry had eaten from Liam’s house. “Or, like, a little cake or something?”

Liam bagged an apple and studied his friend. Harry’s enthusiasm to please Louis was adorable, but there was something just not right and Liam couldn’t seem to figure out what was going on between his two friends. “I don’t know that sounds like you are apologizing for something. What are you saying sorry for?”

Harry fiddled with his ring for a moment before answering. “It’ll say sorry for the fact that I had to go out last night and he had to work today even though it’s supposed to be our time off.”

Liam smiled. “It is what it is, right?”

“Exactly,” Harry chuckled. “So, flowers or cake?”

“You already have the ice cream to go with it, so I’d go with cake.”

 

—

“Baby?” Harry calls out as he puts away the groceries. Since coming in the house, it had been complete silence. The worry was like a stone in his stomach. “Louis, I picked up a little something extra for us. Come help me eat it.”

No response, so Harry left the cake on the counter and went in search of his boyfriend. It didn’t take long to find a bundled up Louis passed out on the couch. “Aww,” Harry cooed softly. His man just looked so much softer snuggled up on the sofa, but Harry knew how bad it would be for his back.

Scooping him into his arms, Harry tried to figure out if he’d gotten stronger or Louis had gotten lighter since the last time he carried his boyfriend. It wasn’t often that Louis would let him, so it could be either or even both. Louis stirred but didn’t wake up as Harry brought him down the hall and settled him down on their bed.

“Sleep well, baby,” Harry whispered and kissed Louis’s temple.

—

Hours later, Louis came into the kitchen with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His hair was a mess and his eyes were still droopy, but Harry thought he looked breathtaking.

“Want some tea?” Harry asked as Louis sat down at their kitchen island.

Louis nodded and rubbed his eyes, groggy and disoriented from his nap. “Is it really 11?”

“Yep,” Harry replied, putting sugar into their mugs. “You were out like a light. Had dinner without you, but I’ve been waiting for dessert.”

“Dessert?” Louis sat up a little straighter. “What are we having?”

Harry smiled and set the cake box down in front of his boyfriend, giving him a kiss on the head. “Just a little something I picked up for you.”

Louis opened up the box to reveal a coffee cake with ‘Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen’ written in white icing. Louis giggled and shook his head. “Elton John, Haz? Really? You are quite a sap.” He grabbed the front of Harry’s shirt and pulled him down for a quick kiss. “Cake and ice cream with our tea then?”

“Perfect,” Harry kissed his head again before going to pour the hot water.

‘Maybe,’ Louis thought, ‘we can pretend it is still the same. If he wants to play the man that is in love with me, who am I to ruin that for him.’

What you go to bed thinking and how you think when you wake up is not always the same thing though.


	6. Things You Never Say To Me

Louis woke up before Harry for once, rolled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. Last night had been lovely, but now his back and ass were a little sore. He took a warm shower, hoping to ease the ache, and then brushed his teeth.

He went into the kitchen and turned the kettle and then contemplated breakfast. He threw one of the ready-to-eat dishes Harry would buy for him for when he was alone into the microwave and sat at the island.

When Harry joined him, his barely picked up dish had gone cold. Harry gave Louis a peck on the head turned the kettle back on. “How are you this morning, pumpkin?”

Louis grunted and got up to chuck out his breakfast. “A little sore, but alright I guess,” he put his cup in the dishwasher and turned to face Harry.

Harry pulled his boyfriend’s body against his own and gave him a loving kiss. “Last night was wonderful, you are amazing.”

Louis blushed and pulled away, “And you haven’t brushed your teeth yet this morning.”

Harry laughed and shook his head. “No, I was going to eat first. What do you want me to make for breakfast? Didn’t seem like you like that much.”

“Not hungry,” Louis mumbled and shrugged. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the counter. “Do you have to go out tonight?”

Harry frowned and studied Louis’s face for a moment. “I was invited to a few things, but nothing I need to attend. We could get the boys to come with us and all go out to a party or something if you want to get out of the house.”

Louis shook his head. “No, I don’t feel much like going out. Just want to hole up tonight, maybe do a bit of writing or something.”

“When’s the last time you got out of the house, other than work things?” Harry asked hesitantly. He could practically see Louis’s wall going up.

“Went out with Zayn,” Louis glared, not specifying a date before storming off into the living room.

Harry sighed and made himself breakfast.

—

Louis had returned to the kitchen in mid-afternoon, and had some of the pasta salad that Harry had made for them. Harry felt like it was a small victory, and then freaked out realizing how little he’d seen Louis eat recently. He didn’t want to let Louis see him freaking it out, so he excused himself to the bathroom and texted Liam. Surely he was just making things up in his head.

When both Liam and Zayn had confirmed that they had noticed Louis’s decreased appetite, Niall being pleasantly oblivious, Harry nearly had a panic attack. How had he not noticed sooner? His baby had been struggling and he hadn’t even noticed.

“Harry?” Louis called from the kitchen. “Are you okay in there?”

Harry took a deep breath to try to calm his nerves. “Yeah, I’ll be right out.”

When he returned to the kitchen, Louis was munching on some of the extra veggies he’d left on the cutting board that hadn’t been used in the salad. He was doodling in the margins of Harry’s journal.

“Baby,” Harry started softly. Louis stiffened up at his tone. “Can we talk about something serious?”

Louis nodded and scribbled over what he’d been drawing before shutting the cover and pushing it away from himself. “What’s up?” he turned to face Harry.

Harry fidgeted where he stood, not quite sure how to approach the subject. “Love, you haven’t quite been yourself lately.” Louis squared his jaw defensively. “I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Harry,” Louis said slowly, anger in his connotation.

Harry chewed on his bottom lip nervously, “You haven’t been eating as much as you used to, love.”

“I just ate your stupid salad, and I’m eating right now,” Louis snapped, holding up his piece of cucumber.

“I know,” Harry sighed. “But, it’s something the boys have noticed as well.”

“So you guys are talking behind my back now?” Louis gaped. “Well you can tell your boys that I’m not fucking anorexic. Okay?” Louis ran his hand through his hair angrily.

“No, babe,” Harry pleaded. “It’s not like that. We’re just worried about you. Please just talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Harold,” Louis drew the name out mockingly. “I’m fine!”

“Louis, baby, please!” Harry could feel his tear prickling.

“You know what, you said I should go out.” Louis got up. “Maybe I should.” He pushed passed Harry, heading to the front door. “Don’t wait up for me.”

Harry collapsed onto a chair as he listened to Louis get his shoes on as he muttered heatedly under his breath. That’s when Harry noticed Louis left his mobile on the counter. “Baby, take your phone at least!”

His only answer was the slam of the door. He wept into his arm for a while before pulling his journal to write his feelings out. On the last used page he saw that Louis had been drawing a half smiling self-portrait. He could barely make out under the squiggled out drawing the lyrics, ‘(When I’m not with you) I’m weak(er)’.

Harry had never felt so sick in his life.

 

The feeling got so much worse over the course of the next 48 hours when no one had heard or seen Louis.


	7. Collecting Dust

Louis had heard Harry shout after him about his phone, he could not turn back and get it though. He was angry. Angry at Harry for talking about him being his back; angry at his bandmates for thinking he had an eating disorder; angry at himself for worrying them.

It made him sick to know that he’d actually had his friends wasting their time troubling themselves over him. He used to be the leader over their little group. Whenever one of the boys had any issues they would seek him out and he’d take care of them, and now it was like they weren’t his boys anymore. They’d out grown him.

Maybe that was what had happened with Harry, he’d simply outgrown his need for Louis. These thoughts haunted Louis’s mind as he made his way to a bar up in Islington, trying to chase away his fears with drink after drink. Harry grew up, and there was nothing that Louis could do to change that.

Maybe it was time to move on, accept that all his friends were growing up around him and he was stuck. They were all so talented and had so much to offer to the world, Louis just couldn’t help but feeling worthless in comparison. He tried to write, tried to keep people smiling, but something just didn’t work. Maybe people were just humouring him at this point.

A guy sat down beside him, struck up a conversation. Louis didn’t say much, adding the necessary nod or small noise of approval here and there. The guy bought him a few drinks, and Louis was getting that warm floating feeling when every thought just seems like a lot of work so you try to limit them. When enough alcohol had gone to his head, Louis hadn’t thought twice about being invited to the guy’s flat.

Had he been sober, Louis would not have been surprised when the guy made a pass for him as soon as they gotten into his flat. Had he been sober, Louis’s attempts to turn the guy down would have been more convincing. Had he been sober, Louis would not have found himself in the bedroom of a guy he had just met.

He did not want to be here. He did not want the taste of another man in his mouth. He had to get out, he needed to get as far away from this as he could.

Louis took his opportunity when the man went to the bathroom. Louis didn’t even put on his shoes, he just ran. He ran down the cold streets as fast as he could, he fell once and would probably feel it in the morning but for tonight he had enough alcohol in his blood stream to keep him moving.

The storefronts blurred until he had no idea where he was. He did not feel fear though, only guilt. He had messed up, he had messed up badly. It was completely his fault that he was in that situation, he had cheated on Harry. He’d kissed another man and there was no way he could face the man he loved after something like that.

He couldn’t stay with the boys, they’d tell Harry in an instant. He threw up on a street corner. After that, he slowed down to a walk. He was chilly, and after a search through his pockets he found only a five pound note.

Louis sat down on the side of the street and tried to think. His head felt heavy and it took much longer than it should to remember that he had a friend from back home living in Angel. It took nearly half an hour to get there, and luckily his friend wasn’t too angry to be woken up at such a late hour of the night.

—

Harry was getting frantic. He wouldn’t leave the house, for fear that he wouldn’t be here in Louis happened to return. He had people all across the city looking, though Zayn and Jay were positive that there wasn’t anything wrong. He wished he felt the same way.

When Liam had left the apartment to get some food, Niall had called Harry and talked to him the whole time. The two of them had talked him out of asking the fans over Twitter to help in the search, it would raise too much of a panic.

It was on day four that the pictures started to appear on the internet. Louis and some guy walking in a neighbourhood that Harry did not recognize with Sainsbury bags in their hands. Harry went numb. Louis was alive, the love of his life was alive and smiling. Louis was alive and looking happy with some other guy. Harry knew it would hurt, it just hadn’t completely hit him yet.

Calmly, he asked Liam to call off the search for him. Harry let Liam know that he was going to bed, and that he wanted to be left alone. He left his bedroom door open, he knew that he was being kept company because his friends feared that he’d do something stupid and did not want them to worry too much.

Harry could not fall asleep, no matter how hard he tried to clear his mind. He was so embarrassed. Betrayal hit him like a bullet a couple hours later and Harry screamed at Liam to leave him alone when his sobs became so loud that his friend had come rushing to his side.


	8. Scars on our Hearts

“Hey Lou!” Joe called from the living room, “Come here!”

Louis came out of the kitchen with a can of Coke in his hand and folded a leg beneath him as he sat beside his old friend on the couch. “What’s up?”

“Look!” Joe turned his laptop so that Louis could see that a picture of the two of them had ended up on Sugarscape with the headline ‘Louis Moving On From Harry?’ “This is jokes, does this really happen every time you go outside with anyone?”

Louis felt his mouth go dry and took a big sip of his drink and tried to stay cool. “Far more than you’d imagine,” he sighed. He needed to get a hold of Harry, it was finally hitting him how worried his boy must be. “I better let Harry know where I am now, can I borrow your phone?”

“Sure,” Joe shrugged and went back to perusing the web.

Louis grabbed the mobile off the coffee table and went back into the kitchen to call up Harry. He dialled and sat at the kitchen table while it rang. No answer. He didn’t want to just leave a message as that would be too impersonal. Next he tried his own number, but there was no answer there either. He called up Zayn, who answered on the third ring.

“’Ello?” Zayn’s sleepy voice came through and Louis relaxed. It had only been a few days but he was starting to miss his old life.

“Hey Zayner, do you know why Harry isn’t picking up his phone?”

“Fuck!” Louis heard Zayn roll out of bed. “Louis, what the fuck were you thinking? Where the hell are you?”

Louis gulped. “I…” he took a deep breath and tried to come up with something but he was drawing a blank. “I just needed a break.”

“You better get your ass back here,” Zayn growled. He’d never heard his friends so angry at him his entire life. “Harry’s a mess.”

“A mess?” Louis was glad he was sitting, because he doesn’t think his legs would have held him up had he been standing. His boy, who he promised to protect, was a mess and it was all his fault. “Can you come pick me up? I’ve got to see him. I’ve got to make this better.”

“Yeah, I’ll get dressed and get us a car. Where are you?”

—

By the time Zayn actually got to Joe’s house, all of Louis’s brave front had disappeared. He still wanted to fix the trouble he’d caused but now he was really frightened to face Harry. He was used to comforting Harry when their life became too much, when the negative comments were piling on or when the paps were being awful or when their management was being annoying, even after their fights. He’d never really hurt Harry before though, not like this.

When the car pulled up in front of his friend’s house, Louis thanked Joe again for letting him hide out at his house and then gathered his nerves and went out to face Zayn.

Louis had expected the anger that he’d heard on the phone, but instead he was met with quiet indifference. Zayn barely even nodded when he sat down beside him in the backseat.

“How is he?” Louis asked, knowing that his friend would understand.

Zayn shrugged and kept his attention on his phone. “You’ll see.”

Louis had to suppress a shudder at the ominous tone. He slumped against his car door and watched the storefronts and houses blur passed him. He felt sick, his stomach heavy and his brain pounding. He didn’t think he could face Harry, not just yet.

They pulled up in front of Louis and Harry’s house and he couldn’t get out of the car. He just stared at the house, the home they made, the life that he may have ruined because he had been selfish. He moved closer to Zayn, who pushed him and got that angry tone back. “Go in there and make this better. Do you really want to lose him?”

“Oh course not!” Louis cried. “I love him… I just…”

“Just nothing,” Zayn huffed. “You love him. You hurt him. Now you go in there and beg his forgiveness or else we don’t let you near him anymore.”

Louis smirked despite the situation. “I work with him nearly every day.”

“Yeah, but as it is, when you are at home is the only time you guys can even look at each other,” Zayn retorted. Louis nodded and he thought of how hard management had been working to keeping them apart, how impossible it would become if their friends no longer supported them. Zayn could see the pain his friend was feeling and squeezed his knee. “Go and get him Louis. You know we’re just trying to do what’s best for you two.”

Louis smiled weakly and got out of the car. It felt like the walk to the door was too long and yet not long enough.

In the entryway he found Liam leaning cross armed against the wall. Clearly Zayn had let him know that Louis was on his way in.

“Where have you been?” Liam sneered.

“A friend’s house,” Louis shrugged and took off the shoes he’d borrowed from Joe.

Liam shook his head. “And you couldn’t call because…?”

Louis glared, he didn’t have it in his to explain himself over and over. “Look, I need to go explain myself to Harry. If you are still all grouchy afterwards I’ll get to you. But, he’s more important to me. Sorry.” He rushed passed Liam and ran up the stairs.

“Hey!” Liam shouted after him, but didn’t move from the front hallway. He stayed there just in case he was needed later though.

Louis ran into their room to find Harry wrapped up in the sheets, playing with his phone.

“Love…” Louis said softly from the doorway.

Harry whipped his head up. For a millisecond, Louis saw relief on his boyfriend’s face but it quickly changed to anger. “What are you doing here?”

Louis leaned against the doorframe, not wanting to crowd Harry. He knew that Harry liked to be held close when he was sad, but not when it was Louis’s fault. “I missed you, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to just disappear like that. I should have called.”

“Yeah, you should have,” Harry grumbled and went back to looking at his phone. He knew that it would hurt Louis, make him feel unimportant. It did just that.

“Harry…” Louis pleaded. “I’m so sorry. I was a selfish idiot. Please tell me what I can do to have you forgive me.”

Harry shrugged noncommittally.

Louis took a couple steps into the room. “Harry, love. What I did was wrong, I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

Harry tried to keep a straight face, but it fell when he caught Louis’s eye. “You cheated on me, Lou. Was I really worth that little to you?”

Louis rushed over to the bed and reached for his boy. “I didn’t cheat. I promise, I didn’t cheat. I love you so much, I’d never cheat on you.” Harry didn’t push Louis away, so he wrapped his curly haired baby in his arms and covered his face with kisses. “You are my whole world. There’s no one else on Earth I’d rather be with. I didn’t cheat.”

“Really?” Harry asked. His insecurity killing Louis.

“Really!” Louis buried his face into the hair atop Harry’s head. “I care about you more than myself. I was just staying with an old friend. A straight friend. Nothing happened, I promise.”

Harry hugged Louis back after a bit of squirming to readjust his position. “Why’d you go then?” Louis stiffened a bit in Harry’s arms so the younger boy rubbed his back soothingly. “What’s wrong baby?”

“Harry…Love…” Louis whined softly. “I think I’m sick.”


	9. Parts of Me That Weren't Pretty

Harry studied Louis’s face for a few moments. He was giving Louis a moment to tell him he was kidding, this had to be a joke. This was Louis; his beautiful, lively Louis. How could Louis be sick? But then Harry recalled how much Louis had been sleeping lately and how moody he’d become, it scared the younger boy to death.

“Sick? How sick?” Harry ran his hand down Louis’s cheek. “You don’t have cancer do you?”

Louis half smiled and kissed Harry’s palm, holding the hand to his face. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgiven me because you think I’m dying. I thought I made you tougher than that Curly.”

Harry’s brows knitted together. “Don’t tell me that you made that up just to get me to stop being mad at you,” his tone was deep with something that Louis believed was disgust. “That’d be low.”

“Love, I’m not dying,” Louis said softly, squeezing Harry. He felt bad for scaring his baby, he knew it would be awful to hear that Harry was dying. “I think I’m mentally ill.”

Harry’s whole body seemed to relax the news and Louis stiffened a bit in response. “Pumpkin, give me a second to celebrate that the love of my life isn’t going to die. I know that it’s still serious, but it’s not fatal and that is wonderful. You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry, baby,” Louis kissed Harry’s cheek. “I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I didn’t mean it to come out like that at all. I was just feeling brave in the moment and didn’t know how long it would last, I had to get it out.”

Harry rested his forehead against Louis’s and took a moment to respond. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with Louis, but he knew that he was being more sensitive than usual and he didn’t want to lose him again. He was trying to be selective with his words, something he did in interviews. He knew Louis didn’t like it, but this was too important. “You are so brave, babe. We are going to do this together, yeah? I love you so much and I want to try to help you get better. I’ll be here for you always.”

“Always?” Louis tried to mock, even with tears in his eyes. “Are you proposing to me now? I don’t think this was the best time for that.”

Harry chuckled slightly, “Oh, when I pop the question, you’ll know.”

“Not unless I get it to it first,” Louis poked Harry’s side just to watch him squirm.

“You don’t get to,” Harry squirmed and squished Louis against himself. “I call dibs!”

Louis pushed himself away from getting smothered. “You can’t call dibs!”

“Sure I can,” Harry retorted. “I called dibs on you, didn’t I?”

“You did not!” Louis squealed and tickled Harry. Harry tickled back and they fought until they landed on the floor. It was loud enough of a thump that Liam came running into the room, to find them giggling into each other’s shoulders in a blanketed heap.

“What’s going on in here?” Liam asked, relieve to see his two friends smiling again.

Louis jumped up and threw a pillow at Harry before running to Liam. “Did Harry call dibs on me?”

“What are you talking about?” Liam raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out this turn of events.

Harry tried to untangle himself, but the blankets had tangled around his feet and he was trying to kick them off without much luck. Louis giggled and hid behind Liam. “When we all met, did Harry call dibs?”

“Actually, yeah,” Liam tilted his head as he remembered the day. “At the bungalow, way back at the beginning. He thought Niall was gay, because of the Justin obsession, so he wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to fight with any of us for you.”

Harry finally got himself up and straightened up his pajama bottoms. “Liam said that I couldn’t call dibs on a person. If we both wanted to pursue you than neither could try, ever the practical one.”

Louis peeked around Liam. “What happened?”

Harry laughed, “Well, clearly I got you, silly.” He reached a hand out to get Louis to return to him.

Louis clung to Liam. “That’s not how you tell a story. I thought you were getting better at this, hun.”

Harry sighed. “Niall is straight, you know that. I think it’s pretty obvious what happened.”

“You are a horrible storyteller,” Louis rolled his eyes, but came out from behind Liam and grabbed Harry’s arm and wrapped it around his shoulder. “How did I end up with someone who can’t even tell a story?”

Harry kissed his boyfriend’s head. “That’s your job, love. We balance each other out.”

Liam shook his head fondly at the pair, “Things look fine here now, is it okay if I head home?”

“Yeah, thank you for everything, Liam,” Harry hugged his friend with his free arm.

“Anytime,” Liam waved him off. “Just good to see my friends happy again. Do I get to know what happened before I go now, Louis?” He raised his brow and Louis blushed remembering how he had talked to his friend earlier.

“I’m really sorry, Liam,” Louis hugged his friend. “Thank you for looking out for my boy. I shouldn’t have run off, it was stupid and immature.”

“Then why did you do it?” Liam frowned.

Louis laid his head against Harry’s shoulder, not ready to tell Liam about his assumptions. He needed to figure this out before telling the other boys. He knew that there would be no way to hide it from the others forever. “I’m immature,” Louis joked, “and have a flare for the dramatics.”

Liam wasn’t going to let it drop that easily. “Well I’ll never deny that, but why did you do it? Harry said he’d asked about your eating habits. Should we be concerned?”

“No,” Harry piped in, holding Louis a bit tighter. “There’s no need for you to be concerned. We’re figuring things out. It’s going to be okay.” He rubbed Louis’s shoulder with his thumb.

Liam shifted his weight, “We’re here for you if you need anything, okay? Both of you, just say the word and we’ll be here for you.”

“Thank you, Liam,” they both said together. Louis added a quick, “Love you!”

“Love you too,” Liam gave them both another hug before heading out, calling Zayn and Niall immediately to let them know the good news.

As soon as he was gone, Louis hugged Harry tightly, burying his face against his boyfriend’s chest. “That was so hard.”

“It was?” Harry clutched onto Louis’s shirt, keeping him close. “You seemed so normal.”

“I’m supposed to look after you guys, not the other way around,” Louis sniffled. “My sisters look up to me, the fans look up to me, I’m supposed to be strong.”

“Stop putting so much pressure on yourself,” Harry kissed his head. “You’re so strong, but you can’t put the weight of the world on your shoulders. Is that it, are you just stressed?”

Louis shook his head. “It’s like the things that used to make me happy aren’t as exciting. I’ll get little bursts of energy and then it’s gone. Life just seems exhausting now, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” Harry lifted Louis up and started to carry him out of their room towards the kitchen. “Now, I bet you weren’t eating properly at your friend’s house. How does a nice omelette sound?”

“Sounds delicious,” Louis didn’t even complain about getting carried. He relaxed into the hold until Harry set him down on the counter. “I’m really sorry I disappeared on you.”

“Just don’t do it again,” Harry pecked his boyfriend’s lips and then headed over to the fridge. “You scared me, until yesterday when I saw the picture of you with your friend I was thinking of all kinds of horrible things that could have happened to you. Can you imagine?”

“I should have called, I know.” Louis brought his feet up onto the counter and held onto his legs. “But with each day it got harder. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“What’s in the past is in the past, just don’t do it again. Tell your mom at least,” Harry spoke calmly. “Why did you run in the first place? Did I really approach the subject that badly?” He started organizing the ingredients and got his knife out.

“No, I was just chicken.” Louis clutched his legs tighter. “Um, there’s something else I need to tell you.”

Harry set his knife down and faced his boyfriend. “What is it?” He didn’t like the sound of fear in Louis’s voice.

“The night when I left…” Louis ground his teeth. “That night, I went to a bar. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t mean to…”

Harry felt his heart drop.

“There was this guy. I don’t even remember what he looked like.” Louis was looking at his legs, not able to face Harry while he admitted to the night. “I had had so much to drink. I didn’t even realize what was going on until we were back at his place. And he kissed me. And went to his bathroom, to get a condom I guess. And I ran. I didn’t even stop to get my shoes, I just ran.”

Harry threw his arms around Louis, legs and all. “Oh, Boo. Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Louis shook his head. “I got out of there. He just kissed me, and he tasted so bad. I’m so sorry.”

“You must have been so scared,” Harry kisses the side of Louis’s head. He really hoped that this was the last thing Louis had to tell him. “Promise me you’ll never go out without your phone again.”

“Never,” Louis vowed.


	10. Just a Little Bit's Enough

Louis woke up with Harry’s head on his chest. He ran his hand through the loose curls, the sleepy moan that Harry let out making him smile. He pulled the covers up over Harry’s back and drew lazy patterns over the top of the blanket. Harry, being a much heavier sleeper than Louis, barely even stirred when Louis started humming softly. Today was going to be a good day, he could feel it.

An hour later, Harry had shifted his more weight onto his arm that rested above Louis’s bladder. He didn’t want to move, he was enjoying this gentle time with his baby boy, but with the added weight he didn’t feel like he could hold onto his bladder much longer. He jimmied himself slowly, replacing his body with a pillow and tiptoed to the bathroom.

He avoided the mirror, not ready to face himself still after that night he left. Harry had forgiven him, yet Louis was not quite ready to forgive himself yet. There was a nagging feeling in his gut, telling him that he’d gotten off too easy for cheating.

Returning to the bedroom, Louis found Harry sitting up in bed. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” Harry asked, holding open the blankets so Louis can crawl between his legs.

Louis leaned back against Harry’s chest and let himself be enveloped in the blankets. He closes his eyes and lays his head back on Harry’s shoulder. “Yep, I’m good. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Harry kissed the side of Louis’s head. “A cold pillow isn’t quite the same as your warm body. Feels much better now.”

“Much better,” Louis hummed. “Can we stay in bed all day?”

“I wish,” Harry groaned. “We have to work. We had a meeting while you were gone, nothing too important but they were pretty pissed you weren’t there. If they say anything harsh today, do you need me to beat them up for you?”

Louis chuckled and turn his face into Harry’s neck. “Oh yeah, gonna have to hold you back, regular menace you are.”

“But seriously, don’t let them be rude to you. Now, we have an hour left before we got to get up proper.” Harry kissed Louis’s forehead before dragging them into a lying position. “I need more Louis snuggles.”

Louis rolled over and buried a hand into Harry’s curls. “Greedy guts,” he reprimanded lovingly.

—

The meeting didn’t go well. Louis had shut down twenty minutes in, and Harry had blown up and screamed at their management team and label representatives. The other boys had stood up for Harry and Louis, but it was all for nothing when it was decided that Harry was getting sent back to the States.

“Louis, I won’t go,” Harry said from across the table as all the boys sat together in a bar. Liam had his arm around Louis’s shoulders since they were in public and Harry couldn’t.

“You have to go, Harry,” Louis stirred his drink and watched the ice cubes clink against the side of the glass. “It’ll be fine. They’ve done this before many times.”

“Yeah, but –,” Harry shut up, Louis didn’t want the boys to know that something was up until he’d been to a professional. “But, it’s not fair. I just want to be here with you.”

“I know babe, but it is what it is, right?” Louis shrugged Liam’s arm off of him. “It’s only a few days. You’ll be back before you know it.”

Harry gripped his drink tightly and leaned back in his seat. “What if I don’t go?”

Liam’s brows became perfectly ‘U’ shaped. “Harry…” The other boys looked shocked as well.

Louis just rested his chin on his arm that was on the table. “Then you get fined a lot of money and all the shit we’ve been through will have been for nothing.” He didn’t seem to be bitter at their predicament in the least, just stated off the facts like they were nothing. “I don’t want to play the ‘what if’ game right now, I have a headache.”

Harry’s anger shifted, “Want to go home?”

Louis nodded. “I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.” He said goodbye to the guys and headed out.

Liam waited until he was sure Louis couldn’t hear him, “He’s acting a little bit better. Did you figure out what you did yet?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Harry contradicted, chugging his drink.

Niall set Louis’s unfinished drink in front of Harry. “Yeah, he ran off for several days without telling you because you did nothing wrong.”

“Shut it,” Harry snarled. “We’ve talked about it, it all makes sense now. But, I can’t tell you guys yet.”

“Tell us what?” Niall poked Harry’s side.

Harry shook his head and drank Louis’s drink.

Zayn took his phone out and sent Louis a text. Liam kept trying to get it out of Harry. “Was it something someone else did? Because if I upset Louis, I’d like to know.”

“No,” Harry huffed. “Let it drop! I’ll tell you when I can, but if you keep pestering me I won’t.”

Niall pouted childishly, and Liam sat silently. Harry’s phone made the little ping noise that he’d set to only do if he got a message from Louis. He pulled it out of his pocket to see a text that read, ‘I already told Zayn, go ahead with Liam and Niall’ quickly followed by another that read ‘Mum got me an appointment next week’.

Harry replied, ‘Spend the whole week in Doncaster with your family? Are you sure you want me to tell them?’.

“Are you talking to him now?” Niall chirped. “Maybe I should just steal the phone.”

“Do and die,” Harry joked. ‘Yes&Yes. Thank you xx.’ read Louis’s answer. Harry held out the phone so Niall could read it.

“What is it?” Niall asked, calmer now.

“Look,” Harry put his phone back into his pocket. “You guys have noticed how Louis is getting more withdrawn and whatnot lately?” Liam and Niall nodded. “Well, he’s got an appointment next week with a mental health professional. He believes he suffers from depression.”

There was a moment of silence as both boys let the information sink in. Harry eyed Zayn suspiciously, wondering how long the other man had known.

“How long has he thought this?” Liam asked.

Harry shrugged. “A few years, it’s just gotten worse. He can’t handle it anymore.”

“Why didn’t he tell us?” Niall asked, earning himself a kick to the shin under the table from Zayn.

“He was trying to handle it by himself,” Harry stole Niall’s drink and finished it quickly much to the protest of the Irish boy. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think enough time has passed to go home to my man.” He stood up and straightened his clothes. “If you have any more questions, ask Zayn since he seems to know as much as I do.”

“Harry…” Zayn tried, but he was cut short by having the taller boy walk off without even an acknowledgement.


	11. My Dear, We Still Have Everything

The door slammed closed, causing Louis to jump. He hadn't even heard it open. "Harry, is that you?" Louis called out from living room where he was going through his email.

"Yeah," Harry yelled rather sharply. Louis closed his laptop and set it on the coffee table. Harry was angry, of this Louis was certain. He was not quite as certain of what Harry was angry at, was he still angry at management or had it turned into anger towards Louis. Could he be that unhappy over being the one to have to tell their bandmates? Was Harry ashamed of him?

Louis wrapped the blanket on the back of the couch around his shoulders and gripped onto it, waiting nervously for Harry to come find him.

When Harry entered the living room, Louis braced himself to be yelled at. "How - " Harry began with an annoyed tone but immediately shut up when he took a look at his boyfriend. His tone became a million times softer as he sat down on the couch, "What's wrong, love?"

Louis raised his chin, trying to appear stronger than he felt inside. "Nothing. Your clothes are in the wash so you can get packed up tonight."

Harry sighed and tried again. "I just wanted to know how long Zayn has known, Lou."

"I just told him after I left the bar." Louis's eyebrows knitted together. "Did you really think I told him before you?" Harry simply shrugged. "If he had of known before you, you don't think he would have told you what was going on when I disappeared?" Louis grabbed a hold of one of Harry's hands and held it close to him. "I'm sorry you had to tell the boys about me."

Harry squeezed the hand beneath his own, "No need. I'm glad I could do something for you. You aren't alone, you don't have to face things by yourself."

"My hero," Louis mocked lovingly.

Harry laughed and pulled Louis into his chest. "Did you really do a load of laundry?"

Louis chuckled and nodded. "And I'm all packed up to leave for Doncaster too."

"Who are you?" Harry joked.

\---

'Miss you too much xxx' came a text to Harry's phone as he left the restaurant he'd been told to eat at by their publicist. He quickly replied with a 'do you need me to call?', not really caring that his friends were walking faster than him. They were taking him out shopping, trying to get him to have a bit of fun while he was in LA. It was nice of them, Harry thought, but it was no use. He was so worried about Louis, who's appointment was the next day, that he just wanted to go to their home in the California hills and Skype until he passed out. He needed to be photographed out and about though, it was just another day in the life.

"Harry!" Cara called out when he nearly missed the turn they made. "Do I need to confiscate that phone? You look miserable."

Harry shook his head. "Just talking to Louis."

"He's not going anywhere, H." Cara smiled sympathetically.

'No, it's okay. I'm at the park with Daisy and Pheebs' Harry read Louis's reply and then slipped the phone into his pocket. "Nope, he's stuck with me," Harry smiles. "Where are we going again?"

Cara wrapped her arm around Harry's shoulders, "Just a little new place I did a shoot for. You'll love it, promise."

\---

Harry wanted to smash this stupid laptop, as the Skype session dropped again he screamed. He needed to see Louis, but the weather was messing with his wifi signal.

He tried again and as the pixels focused and showed a very tired looking Louis, his eyes filled with tears.

Louis smiled weakly, "Oh Haz, don't tell me I look that bad."

Harry shook his head, "You look stunning like always, babe. I just miss you so much. How was the doctor?"

Louis shrugged. "I don't really wanna talk about it. We worked out a Skype session schedule, and he's gonna start me on some meds after Christmas. He said they are pretty strong so he doesn't want to tucker me out for the holiday season. Only a couple weeks."

Harry frowned, "I thought your mom got you a female doctor."

"Something came up," Louis fiddled with his shirt. "Do you think they'll let you come home a day early? I wanna go home."

"I don't know, I'll try. What's wrong?" Harry leaned in close to the screen, studying Louis's every movement. "If you're feeling homesick, just go home. I can get Zayn to meet you there."

Louis shook his head. "Mum said she won't let me leave until you're back. She's really upset, Haz."

"She's just worried about you." Harry could feel his heart breaking. He wished he could be in Doncaster with every fiber of his being. "I'll try and get home as soon as I can."

"I'm so tired of all the shit they put us through," Louis's eyelids seemed to be getting heavy, and Harry knew he'd be falling asleep on him soon.

"Well then we need to get a bit more assertive against them, right?" Harry tried to not get too loud, not wanting to wake up any of Louis's siblings. "I'll be on the next plane I can. What's the worse they can do? I was papped plenty here and I'll make sure to go unnoticed, won't even use LAX. I'll be there for you tomorrow, Boo."

Louis smiled, "Can we do Christmas shopping when we get home?"

"Of course," Harry responded. "I've got a few things bookmarked that I think Fiz would like."

Louis pouted at the laptop camera, "She always likes the gifts you pick out better than mine, I call choosing for the babies."

"Remember," Harry smirked as he scolded, "we need to fit everyone's presents in one car. Don't go overboard on me."

"Me?" Louis gasped, "Never!"


	12. Between Our Love

“Louis get in here!” Niall called from the living room. The boys had been over all day, it was the day before Louis’s birthday and it was the first day they had off in a while and Harry had invited everyone over and cooked a big meal. Niall’s flight was tomorrow, so Harry thought it would be nice to have a Christmas together. “Zayn’s cheating I know it!”

Louis grabbed the chips he’d said he was going to get and went back to his spot. It had been Harry’s idea to play Monopoly, something about board games feeling like home. “How are you cheating, Zayn?”

Zayn smiled and slipped Louis a couple hundred notes of monopoly money beneath the table. “Harry is too trusting of a banker. Keeps looking away.”

“You should see him playing Battleship, actually will get me tea when I ask for it. He’ll just leave me alone in the room,” Louis bragged. Harry didn’t even pretend to be surprised, he knew that Louis did that. His current goal was to beat Louis even when he was cheating. It was too easy when Louis didn’t peek, Harry could read him like an open book. Or at least, he thought.

Harry just smiled fondly and moved the bank to his other side. He trusted Liam to not steal, but then again he was getting into more trouble than when they were younger. “How much did you take?” Harry asked Zayn. He didn’t get an answer, just a smile. 

Liam grabbed a handful of five hundred bills and threw them up in the air, Louis and Zayn snatched them up as Harry laughed.

“I would have won,” Niall whined, “You all suck!”

“Aww, poor little Nialler,” Liam pouted overdramatically. Zayn jumped over to hug Niall and they all piled on. Louis held on a little longer than necessary, but no one seemed to notice.

Once they had separated, Harry took to cleaning up with Liam’s help. Louis headed to the kitchen to grab another round of beers. He grabbed them out of the fridge and sat down at the island. He picked at the label. Someone had told him once that only a virgin could peel off a label all in one piece. Louis peeled it off and he looked down at it. The paper was barely even damp.

Louis was lost in thought, he was only pulled out of it by a kiss on the top of his head. “You okay, babe?” Harry’s deep voice made him realize the small puddle starting to form under the beers. “The boys thought you got lost. Don’t you realize keeping alcohol from an Irishman is just cruel?” Harry licked his lips and grabbed a couple of the bottles. “Um, Niall told me to tell you that.”

Louis chuckled and got up. “I bet he did.” Grabbing the rest of the bottles, he followed Harry out into the living room. 

“Is it present time now?” Niall asked after Harry handed him a beer.

“It can be,” the youngest smiled and went to fetch the fancily wrapped gifts from under the tree. He might have gone a little bit overboard on the ribbon, but he’d been determined to teach Louis how to curl it this year.

The other boys went to fetch their gifts as well while Louis wrapped himself in a quilt and curled up on the couch. The boys handed Louis their gifts for him and Harry and Louis piled them all on the sofa beside him. He left a space for Harry, but instead of taking it Harry scooped up Louis and set the older man on his lap as he settled down on the slightly warmed up cushion. Louis laid his head on Harry’s shoulder whilst the younger man rubbed soothing circles into his lower back.

“Niall, you go first,” Harry directed. Niall took no time to start tearing into the gift wrap, shreds falling to the ground. First he opened Zayn’s gift, a set of engraved glasses and a pitcher, inside which sat a gift card for booze. Next came Liam’s, a set of dark green and white sneakers. Followed by a nice camera given to him from Harry. Last was Louis’s gift, a football autographed by the entire Derby team. He thanked everyone with a round of hugs, nearly squishing Louis.

“Liam, you next!” cheered Niall and they continued in that manner until they got to Harry and Louis. The boys watched Harry hand Louis the gift that Zayn had gotten them as a couple. Louis got a bit emotional at the photo album, with pictures of the couple throughout each month they’d known each other. The last few pages were blank and there were tickets to resort in the Dominican Republic taped to the back page. Louis threw his arms open and Zayn came over for the hug, his shoulder getting a bit damp from Louis’s tears. Harry opened the gift that Niall had gotten for him, laughing at the pile of socks and underwear shoved into the box. He had to dig to find the actual present, a bottle of cologne with a note key taped to the bottom.

“What this for?” Harry spun the key in the palm of his hand, studying it.

Niall shrugged, smirking. “You’ll see.”

“Lou, open Niall’s gift for you next,” Harry picked up the remaining two gifts, they were both from Liam. “Where’s Louis’s gift?”

Niall shrugged and busied himself trying to find red Smarties out of the bowl that Harry had set out on the coffee table.

Louis handed Harry both of their gifts from Liam and focused on making Harry’s curl fall a certain way around his ear. “Open your gift from Liam first, babe,” Louis whispered.

Harry set the gifts on Louis’s lap and fixed the quilt that had begun falling off his boyfriend’s shoulder. He scooped up the gift with his name on the tag and tore into the carefully wrapped box. Inside were a couple classic albums as well as a few new ones on vinyl. “These are great, thanks Liam,” Harry smiled, reading the back of one of the records he didn’t know the track listing of. “Your turn,” Harry whispered into Louis’s ear, leaving a little kiss just beneath.

Louis found a corner of wrapping not covered by tape and ran his finger along slowly, so that he didn’t wreck the paper. Opening it up, he found a book. He flipped it over to find out it was a book about dealing with depression. He thanked Liam politely, hoping that Harry hadn’t read the back cover of the book over his shoulder.

Niall and Zayn exchanged nervous glances. Liam hadn’t meant to be rude, he meant to be helpful, but with the tension in the room now he felt awful. “Anyone want another beer?” he asked to try to break the silence.

“Always,” Niall raised his empty. “Hey, can I borrow a pair of socks? My feet are cold.”

“Sure, I’ll grab you a pair of Harry’s,” Louis slid off Harry’s lap, the book under his arm. “Be right back.” He headed upstairs, not hearing Niall urge Harry to follow Louis upstairs.

Louis went into their walk in closet and found a trunk that he’d never seen before. He tugged on the lid, but it didn’t budge.

“Need a key?”

Louis spun around to see Harry leaning against the door frame. He nodded and turned back to the trunk, waiting for Harry to open it.

Harry crouched down and rested his chin on top of Louis’s head and reached around him to open up the lock. He wrapped his arms around Louis’s waist and held his boyfriend to his chest.

Louis threw the trunk lid open and found a big, red, glittery ‘Love you’ glued on top of a whole whack of collaged sentences of all the things Louis did for the boys. Inside the trunk were sweatpants, chocolate, an iPod, noise cancelling headphones, a tissue box, a book about different kinds of massages, and two journals.

Harry kissed Louis’s head. “He must have been planning this for a while,” Harry nuzzled his nose into Louis’s soft hair.

Louis sniffled. “It’s really nice,” he took out the iPod and went through the playlists. There seemed to be lists for every possible mood. “Do you think the boys would mind if I stayed up here for a bit?”

“Of course they won’t mind. I’ll come get you for dessert, okay?”

“Thank you love,” Louis kissed Harry’s cheek and went right back to rummaging through the trunk.

Harry headed downstairs, throwing the book Liam bought into a guest room. When he got into the living room, he didn’t say a single word, just threw his arms around Niall and hugged him tightly.


	13. But Our Love's Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added the bridge chapter (Chapter 11)....it's a little poorly paced but it's done

"Wake up Birthday Boy," Harry whispered into Louis's ear, gently tickling the hairs on the back of his neck. "It's already noon."

Louis yawned and blinked his eyes open. "Niall get to the airport okay?"

Harry nodded and laid onto his side to watch Louis wake up. "He landed safely too," Harry replied, reaching over to run his fingers through Louis's ever growing hair.

"Do you think I thanked him enough for his gift?" Louis shifted to stretch out his limbs.

"Of course," Harry pulled Louis to his chest when he'd slowed down his squirming. "He could tell how much you love it, and that's greater than any amount of praise."

Louis hummed softly and relaxed in Harry's arms. "He's such a sweetheart. But, you must have been around him for too long, he's going quite soft." He looked up at Harry with a cheeky smirk.

"Oh, hush," Harry scolded. "Now, what would you like to do on your big day?"

Louis smiled and tilted his head from side to side, as if weighing his options. "I want…" he started, then bit his lip. "I want to fly to Vegas and get hitched."

"As fun as that sounds, I think our mothers would kill us if they didn't see us for Christmas." Harry kissed Louis's forehead and spoke gently, "Try again, love."

Louis faked a look of disappointment before smiling. "I just want to be with you, Haz. Could you make me dinner?"

"Of course, dear," Harry replied. "Is there something in particular? I have to start soon if we want to make it up to my mum's tonight."

Louis shook his head, "You know I love everything you make. You don't have to do anything fancy, it's just my birthday,"

"Just your birthday?" Harry gasped. "It's the celebration of the birth of my favourite person in the entire world."

"Sap," Louis chuckled and squirmed out of Harry's hold. "Tacos!" he proclaimed. " I want tacos."

Harry sat up and laughed. "Tacos? Really?" Louis nodded. "That's hardly romantic, but if that's what you want. "

"It is," Louis smiled. "I can even help."

-

Harry really had thought Louis would notice the presents in the backseat, but instead he had fallen asleep nearly as soon as he got into the passenger seat. Harry was able to unload the presents for Louis onto their bed and even the ones for his family under the tree in the front room.

After all the hugs, to his mum, Robin and Gemma, Harry decided it was finally time to wake Louis up. As he made his way out to the car, Anne followed him.

"How's Louis been today?" Anne asked before Harry had made it to the passenger side door. 

Harry turned to his mum and answers carefully. "He's been great. We made tacos for dinner, he actually ended up doing most of the work."

"And everything has been okay between the two of you?" 

"Yeah," Harry shifted weight from one foot to the other. As much as he loved his mum, he was feeling a bit defensive in regards to Louis. "Now that we've figured out, things are getting much easier. The doctor is going to start him on some meds after Christmas."

Anne reached for her son's hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Just wanted to remind you that I'm here if you need anyone to talk to, okay?"

Harry exhaled and gave his mum a bit of a smile, "I know, Mum. Thank you."

"Always, Harry." Anne kissed his cheek and then motioned for him to wake up his boyfriend.

Harry went forth as his mother held back, opening the door up and shaking Louis's shoulder carefully. "Baby, we're here."

Louis curled in on himself and let out a small whine.

Harry reached across and unbuckled Louis as he whispered sweet wake ups. "Love, my mum wants to say hello and I have goodies for you in our room."

Louis peeked one eye open and smiled. "Our room? Not just your room any longer?"

"Nope," Harry said proudly. "Our room. Everything that was once mine is now ours."

Louis huffed slightly as he got himself out of the car. "Well, then I best give our mum a hug then." He made his way over to Anne and threw his arms around her, with Harry watching happily. "Hey Mum," he chirped and gave her cheek a kiss.

"Happy Birthday, Louis," Anne replied, giving his cheek a kiss as well.

"Thanks, Mum," Louis smiled as he drew away from the embrace, Harry's hand quickly finding the smaller boy's lower back. "You are looking beautiful as always."

"Oh," Anne waved off his praise and led them into the house.

Harry guided Louis around to greet Robin and Gemma and then excused them to go to bed, which his family encourage as Christmas was always a long day between the two families. 

In Harry's old bedroom, Louis opened his birthday gifts between lots of kisses. By the time they were spooning in bed, Louis couldn't think of a better way to spend his birthday.

 

Unfortunately, he did not wake up in the same mood the next day.


	14. You Can Get What You Want, But It's Never Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the first half is choppy. Wrote it a long time ago

"Baby, what are you doing?" Harry jumped on to the bed and wrapped his arms around the blanket bundle. "I thought you were getting ready for the party."

"Harry…" Louis whined.

Harry pulled the corner of the blanket up and quickly crawled under the covers to hold his boyfriend. "What's wrong love?"

Louis clung to the front of Harry's shirt, shaking slightly in Harry's arms. He didn't know where to start, so he chose not to answer.

Harry rubbed the smaller man's arms and let him gather his words. No one spoke for several minutes until Harry broke the silence, "So, I guess we aren't going to that party?"

Louis pulled the covers off faster than Harry could blink, pooling them in bright light. "Are you kidding me?" Louis deadpans.

Harry was confused by the sudden switch in his boyfriend. He was glaring at him and looked as though he'd push him off the bed with one wrong breath. "Uhh…I don't…I just…"

Louis jumped off the bed and stormed to their en suite, slamming the door loudly.

Harry shot up and raced to the door, pounding on it. "Baby, please let me know what I did wrong. I'm so sorry."

"Just leave me alone Harry," Louis said rather quietly so that Harry had to strain to hear him through the thick door. "Go to your party without me."

Harry sighed, realizing his mistake and sat with his back against the door. If there was one thing he knew about his boyfriend it was that he could be as stubborn as a rock. "I don't want to go anywhere without you, Boo."

He didn't get a response and wouldn't for nearly a half hour. "Harry?" Louis's small voice came from the other side of the door. Harry had heard the water a couple times and he assumed it was Louis washing his face.

Harry sat up straight and pocketed his mobile. "Yes, love?"

"Your party is probably starting soon," Louis said with a bit more strength. "You can go, really."

"I'm not going anywhere without you, Lou." Harry sighed and stood up. "We only get to spend so many days together, I'm not about to waste that."

The door cracked open and Harry was quick to pull Louis into his arms.

Harry gave him a moment and a big squeeze before speaking again. "I love you, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I didn’t mean to."

"I know," Louis pulled away from Harry and flopped onto the bed. "I'm sorry I overreacted. It hurts to know that I'm holding you back."

Harry dove down onto the bed and laid on his side beside his boyfriend. "You're not holding me back, Boo." Harry kissed his cheek and tucked a stray strand behind his ear. "You're my sun, and if you aren't shining then I'll wait here and do all I can until I see you smile."

"You're a sap," Louis half smiled and rolled over to face his younger boyfriend. "And my rock. Thank you, but I still feel bad."

"Don't," Harry pulled Louis to him by his waist. "I love you and want to be with you. Doesn't matter where."

\- 

“How’s it been, now that he’s on his meds?” Liam asked as he picked through the refreshment table with Harry before their meeting.

Harry glanced over to his fiancé who was listening to Niall tell him a story about his time off, he couldn’t help but notice how tiny Louis looked in the giant conference chair. “He’s been quiet. Actually made me breakfast in bed this morning. Doctor said he should sleep more on these, but I haven’t seen that at all.”

“Maybe they got his dosage wrong, or something?” Liam suggested, grabbing a water and heading back to the table. “I’ve heard it takes a while and some experimentation to get it right.”

Harry shrugged and shot Liam a look to let him know the conversation was over. He set a water down in front of Louis before taking his spot beside him.

“Cheers, love,” Louis mumbled quietly, not looking away from Niall.

Harry didn’t really listen to the end of Niall’s story, just listened to the way his voice danced in excitement. Niall never took life for granted, taking joy in every little aspect of life. It was something that he wished that he could do, but even more so he wished that it was something that Louis could do.

The meeting dragged on longer than Harry had expected, and it was agreed that for their week left in the break, that each had to make appearances at various places. At least this time Harry could stay in London.

When their management team had left, all eyes turned to Louis and he sunk down in his seat. For a boy who once craved attention, he was becoming quite uncomfortable when he received it.

“You’ve barely said a word all day, are you okay?” Niall asked rather loudly. 

Louis nodded. Realizing that was making everyone’s stares more intense he cleared his throat. “I’m fine. Things actually went well in the meeting, so I didn’t have to argue.” He shrugged and hoped someone else would defend him.

“They have us all except Harry going to a footie game,” Liam countered. “You normally get right pissed off when they exclude Harry from group outings.”

Harry elbowed Liam and Louis felt even worse. “What’s the point of fighting it? I never win.” Louis stood up and headed for the door. “See you at home, Harry.”

The room stayed silent well after the door slammed shut.

“Should I invite him over for some video games or give him some space?” Zayn asked the group.

The three other boys shrugged.

“I think I should just go give him a bit of attention, I guess,” Harry stood up and gathered his and Louis’s belongings. “See you guys later.”

They all said their goodbyes and Harry headed down to the waiting car. He watched the city blur by outside as he thought of things he could do to cheer Louis up. He did not expect to see what he did when he walked through the door. 

The house was quiet and it took him a bit to find Louis in the kitchen where he was opening every tablet from his bottle of pills and watching the powder sprinkle down the drain.

“Babe, what are you doing?” Harry sighed and went to stand behind Louis, running his hand down his spine.

“I don’t like them,” Louis grumbled as he threw several empty shells into the bin.

Harry watched as Louis emptied a few more pills into his shaking hand and struggled to open them. “I thought you said they were working.”

“I said that I wasn’t sad anymore,” Louis corrected and finally looked at Harry’s face. “Can we just go to bed?”

Harry chewed on his bottom lip. It was only three in the afternoon. “Of course love, whatever you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these always take so long. Got to be in the mood :P  
> Love to hear from anyone reading <3


	15. You Know How Much Better Off I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm starting to get over my recent sadness, as this chapter is just a load of fluff.  
> Sorry if it's short!

Louis woke up just as the streetlights were turning on. They danced on Harry’s bare chest as it moved up and down slowly in his sleep. Louis couldn’t help but reach over and trace the butterfly tattoo that he loved so much.

It took a moment for Harry to gain consciousness, but Louis could tell the moment he was coming to by the speed of his breathing.

“Morning, love,” Harry’s voice was even deeper upon waking. He reached up to wipe at his eyes, the stretch causing the butterfly to become asymmetrical and Louis whining as a result. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long,” Louis said softly, burying his face against Harry’s side.

Harry wrapped an arm around his fiancé and smiled. He had been growing his hair out again and Harry loved how it made Louis appear softer. “Have any good dreams?”

Louis nodded, his stubble tickling Harry’s side and it took all the taller man had not to squirm.

“Going to tell me about?” Harry could feel Louis smile, but the smaller man kept quiet. “Fine, I’ll tell you about mine.” Louis’s hand reached up to gently rub Harry’s belly. “We were on an island, though I’m not sure which one. I think it seemed familiar. Like, aspects of it. But, I guess in dreams you never really see anything completely from scratch. Unless you have a really good imagination. Not that I have a bad imagination -”

“Harry!” Louis huffed. “Get on with your story please, sweetheart.”

“Sorry,” Harry giggled. “We were laying on the beach as the sunset. The waves crashing against the beach and nearby rocks. You could just barely feel the mist on your skin. It was so relaxing. And you were so stunning, smiling at me the way that always makes my heart melt. I’m just so lucky that you’re mine.” He reaches down and covered Louis’s left hand with his own. The ring on his finger catching the light shining through their bedroom window.

So lost in his happiness, Harry barely caught the whisper, “Do you really think so?”

Harry pouted. “Of course I do. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He sat up and pulled Louis into his lap, engulfing him in a tight embrace. “I love you so much, I don’t even know how I functioned before I met you.”

Louis nuzzled into Harry’s neck. “Even when I’m…” he trailed off and fiddled with Harry’s necklace as he tried to gather his thoughts. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I’m sorry I can’t be everything you deserve.”

“You’re perfect,” Harry protested and squeezed Louis tighter. “It’s not your fault that we didn’t get your meds right on the first go. Give it time, we’ll figure it out. And there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here with you as we find what works for you.”

Louis sighed and kisses Harry’s cheek. “Thank you. You are amazing, love.”

“No,” Harry’s dimples popped as he smiled before catching Louis’s lips with his own. “No need to thank me for something I want to do. Staying with me is more than enough thanks.”

“Where else would I go, curly?” Louis gave him another quick peck before wiggling out of his embrace. “No one else knows how to make pancakes just the way I like them.”

Harry laughed. “It’s nine at night and you want pancakes?”

“Yep!” Louis rolled out of bed. “And because I love you so much, I’ll even make my world famous tea.”

\- 

The second time they woke up, Louis was much less willing to leave their bed.

“It’s cold out there,” Louis complained loudly. “Please, don’t do this to me.”

“Babe,” Harry sighed. “You need to have breakfast before heading over to the stadium.” He reached under the covers and pressed his cold hand against Louis’s back.

Louis squealed and rolled away. “I can eat on the way. Some McDonalds.” He smirked at Harry, knowing full well that his fiancé would never go for it.

“Sure, and then we can get a puppy,” Harry teased, going again for Louis under the cover.

Louis smacked away the threatening cold fingers. “Great. Now I want a puppy. Way to go, babycakes.” He wrapped the covers tighter around himself and scowled. “Not getting into my pants again until I get me a floppy eared little dog.”

“Louis!” Harry whined. “Please don’t make me be the practical one.”

Louis smiled, rolling close to his partner. “To make me forget this conversation, you should let me go back to sleep and pretend this was all a dream.”

Harry huffed and jumped out of bed. “I’ll give you half hour. I’ll go make a delicious meal and you aren’t going to appreciate because you’ll be all sleepy.”

“Trying to guilt me now?” Louis laughed. “I’ve corrupted you well.” Harry smiled affectionately, not arguing. “I suppose I could keep you company as you cook, but only if you let me keep my nice duvet wrap.”

“I think I can agree to those terms.”


	16. Right from the Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For [fluffypillow](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffypillow/profile)
> 
> Sorry it's short, have to go to work now. Hopefully you'll forgive me, as I'm already plotting out the next chapter.

It started as an overheard conversation when everyone had assumed he was sleeping.

Louis had been resting his eyes on the sofa amidst everyone’s discarded coats and scarves after a meeting about the tour, slipping in and out of a light sleep. They were starting the On The Road Tour in a couple short weeks and it was rather hectic getting the odds and ends sorted out. Harry, ever the diligent boyfriend, was concerned that Louis had not slept enough the previous night and had insisted Louis take a break as the rest of the continued on.

It was a good hour later, when the rest of the boys - minus Zayn - had gone to the wardrobe room, that Louis heard the whispers that he was not meant to yet hear.

“When are we going tell Louis?” One of their management staff was pushing. “You can’t leave it until the tour starts. What if he doesn’t handle it well?”

“I haven’t told Niall yet either,” Zayn mumbled, his words slurring together in the way they do when he is forced to speak when he doesn’t want to. “Why does it matter to you?”

“The fans will know something’s up if Louis starts acting funny, you know how he gets,” the associate countered with that condescending tone that always got under Louis’s nerves. “If he loses it, all our planning will have been for nothing.”

“He’s not some volatile loose cannon,” Zayn growled. “He’s my friend, and I’ll handle it. Trust me, I know how to do this best for him.”

Louis had to bite his tongue. He knew if he demanded an explanation right now that Zayn would shut down. If only Niall didn’t know this mysterious thing, then Harry did. With all the younger boy’s constant reassurances that he loved Louis, he had to tell his fiancé the truth if he asked.

So, as the conversation changed to going over times for more upcoming meetings, Louis did his best to stay as still as humanly possible. If Zayn knew him as well as he claimed to, he’d know that Louis didn’t stay that still even in his sleep. But, it went unnoticed by his friend.

\- 

It took a lot of willpower, but when Harry came to wake him up Louis did not mention what he’d overheard.

They went out with the boys for a nice lunch, and Louis played the part of old Louis. He was loud, and he made Niall laugh. Best yet, he made Harry smile that big dimpled silent laugh that he had been his favourite since they met.

By the time they parted, Liam had even cheered up from his recent moodiness.

Louis hooked his arm on Zayn’s and ruffled his hair. Zayn tried to push him off, but Louis held on tight. “Won’t get away from me that easy,” Louis chuckled.

Zayn gave up with a sigh. “You seem energetic today,” Zayn stared at Louis in that intense smolder that the boys mocked quite often. “Just for show?” Louis’s smirk quickly dropped.

“Way to burst my bubble there, Z,” Louis pouted. “Maybe I was just enjoying a nice lunch with my bandmates, whom I adore so much.”

“Was it for Harry?” Zayn questioned, “It’s not nice to lie to your fiancé you know.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “I’m not pretending to be happy just to make Curly happy.”

“Niall then?” Zayn persisted, “Liam maybe?”

“No,” Louis sighed. Internally, he was getting very frustrated with the fact that Zayn the act that was being put on for him by Louis was indeed for him. “What do you have against me being in a good mood?”

Zayn wrapped his arm around Louis’s waist and squeezed gently. “I just hate seeing you struggle, babe. I just want what’s best for you.”

“Okay, mum,” Louis mocked and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Hey!” Harry protested jokingly from several paces behind.


	17. It's in the Stars

Occasionally, Louis thought that he was overly spoiled. He was able to get home, get a nice cuddle and fall asleep and then wake up a couple hours later by the smell of a home cooked meal. He sat at the kitchen island and was immediately greeted with a kiss on the head and the promise of tea.

“Good nap?” Harry asked as he checked on his casserole. Louis admired the view of his fiancé’s bum in the stupid novelty boxers that Louis had bought him from one of the airports in a city he can no longer even remember. His hair was flat on one side, in Louis’s experience that meant that Harry had at least gotten a little bit of sleep himself. “You were muttering in your sleep.”

“Was not!” Louis protested and pulled his duvet tighter around his shoulders.

Harry closed the oven door and simply smirked in his significant other’s direction. Louis could never tell if he was toying with him, but he was rather certain he was a quiet sleeper. Harry had not known that he was a sleep talker though either, and he certainly did. Louis shuddered to think of the things Harry could have possibly overheard.

“If you keep opening the door, it’s going to take much longer to cook,” Louis quipped. “You let all the heat out.”

Harry huffed and headed to the mug cupboard, in defeat. “For someone who knows so much about cooking, I haven’t had dinner made for me in quite some time.”

“I understand the theory of cooking, Harold. You have a much firmer grasp on the practical side,” Louis argued.

“Practice makes perfect,” Harry countered, settling on a pair of solid teal teacups. They were from a set that Anne had purchased for them as a housewarming gift when they moved from their first apartment. Several pieces from the set have gotten lost somehow, probably from Harry cooking thing for people and then giving out their dishes. He was far too nice to ever pester to get things back, or even ask once.

“And yet, we play footie all the time and you are still rubbish at it.”

Instead of continuing the playful banter, Harry was drawn to something that has popped up on his cellphone. Louis craned his neck in an attempt to see what has stolen his boy’s attention, but it was fruitless. Whoever was contacting him was seemingly causing him some duress.

“New girlfriend?” Louis asked jokingly.

Harry’s brow smoothened as he locked his phone and stuffed it in his backpocket. “No, Zayn.”

“Oh?” Louis implored. “Anything important?”

Harry turned his back and fussed with the teas, which annoyed Louis to no end. He couldn’t stand being treated like a child, they were supposed to be each other’s equals.

“What are you trying to keep from me?” Louis challenged. “Don’t patronize me.”

Harry chewed on his lip as he served Louis his tea and then took a sip of his own as he considered telling Louis. “It’s not really for me to say,” Harry began. “Please don’t put me in this position, Boo.”

“You are already in this position now,” Louis opposed. “So, you can’t say I am the one who is causing this.”

“No,” Harry practically whined. “I’m not trying to blame you for anything. It’s just, well, it’s better that it, or,” Harry paused to gather himself. His words always got jumbled when he was stressed, something that Louis found adorable normally. Not so much when he was annoyed. “It’s not my place to tell you anything at the moment. Don’t worry about it.”

Louis curled his nose up. “Saying ‘don’t worry’ is the fastest way to make me worry. Good job.”

“Sorry,” Harry’s shoulders slumped and Louis knew it was time to back down. As much as it was frustrating him to be left out of the loop, Harry was more important to him than knowing.

“No,” Louis reached for his fiancé’s hand and squeezed gently after interlacing his fingers. “You’re right, it’s not fair to put you between people you care about. I get it.”

Harry brightened up, squeezing Louis’s much smaller hand in appreciation. “I love you so much.”

“Love you more.”

\- 

“Babe come sit on this suitcase for me,” Harry called from the bedroom.

Louis walked out of the bathroom with his toothbrush still in hand. “How much do you think management would kill me if I dyed my hair black?” He hopped up onto the suitcase and squished it down.

“You need to move your leg, so that I can actually zip this up,” Harry swatted at Louis’s legs that were swinging away like a toddler. “Or you can do all the packing, that’s always an option.”

Louis held his legs up to make Harry’s task annoying, yet doable. “I would pack you only your shortest shorts. And maybe some of Lottie’s clothes from the guest room.”

“If she wore the same size as me, then I would definitely rock those clothes.” Harry dipped under Louis’s legs, nipping softly at the underside of his knees. It earned him a yelp. “Those faux leather tights, you’d love it.”

Louis shook his head, trying to shake the mental image of his little sister’s clothes on his significant other’s body. “I’m going to need a good drink after that one,” he grumbled and rolled off the now securely shut case.

“You can’t drink on those meds you’re on right now,” Harry replied, ever pragmatic. 

Louis grumbled and kicked at the suitcase. “Who’s idea was it to put me on those then?”

“I’m going to guess the doctor,” Harry chuckled as he set out their second suitcase. “So do you actually want to dye your hair black, or are you just feeling restless?”

“More of the latter I think,” Louis sighed. “It’s really frustrating for me. I am bored sitting around doing nothing, but I don’t have the attention span or motivation to do anything.” He fiddled with his fingers for a moment before trying to lighten the mood, “And I can’t even drink myself into a stupor and make a fool of myself for other people’s amusement.”

“Ha ha,” Harry acknowledged dryly.

Louis sat up and watched Harry packed for a bit, even folding a pair of pants that Harry tossed at him. His mind drifted to the Zayn mystery. The day before, Niall had been rather sullen, and was doing his laughter from discomfort that he does. Louis was pretty certain he was officially the last to know the thing that he has yet to know. Instead of annoying, it was starting to become worrisome.

“Getting all lost in that pretty head?” Harry asked after several minutes of silence.

Louis shook his head. “Just tired again I think.” With the raise of Harry’s brow, Louis corrected himself, “I am starting to get a little freaked out by Zayn being so distant with me. It’s making me nuts just not knowing. You would tell me if he was sick or something, right?”

“Of course, babe,” Harry reached out and pulled Louis to his chest. “No need to make yourself ill, he’ll tell you soon enough.” He rubbed Louis’s back gently. “Maybe this time, on tour, we can find things in each country so that we can keep entertained while travelling. Maybe the lack of pressure to find something to do will help.”

“Maybe,” Louis murmured. “As long as you’re with me more this time, I think I’ll be okay."

“I’ll try my best to be with you as much as humanly possible,” Harry held onto Louis a bit tighter, his hand rubbing up higher and began to play with the tiny hairs at the back of Louis’s neck. Louis hummed his approval. “You know, you could pull off any hair colour you wanted. So beautiful.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it <3 
> 
> Love you all


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